Dealbreakers: Does Domestic Violence Always Doom a Relationship?

Some say abusers can change

Vicky Darden, 55, of Ephrata, Pa.: A survivor of being beaten, raped and "almost killed by a person who claimed to love me," Darden says domestic violence is always a dealbreaker.

"For many years, I found myself believing if I just waited it out, things would change," Darden says. "I believed I could change him. I soon realized I can never change another person. Initially, I stayed because I didn't want my kids to have divorced parents. When I finally got up the courage to leave it was because of my kids. I knew that divorce was better than one dead parent."

Christine K. Clifford, 58, of Minneapolis: When Clifford's husband broke her nose in 2008, he willingly went for an evaluation for alcoholism. But after being diagnosed as a "severe alcoholic" and suggested treatment, he refused and opted to try and "treat himself by quitting drinking." Clifford ultimately ended up having to get a two-year order of protection against her husband.

"I think that if he had gone to treatment, we might have had a chance at salvaging our marriage," says Clifford. "But when he made a decision that he wasn't going to go, things deteriorated pretty quickly. If both parties are willing to do the work to make changes in their behavior, you can certainly give it a shot. But after something as severe as domestic violence has taken place, it is extremely difficult to forgive and forget. It forever changes the dynamics of the relationship, and it would take an enormous effort on the part of the victim to accept that the perpetrator is willing and able to change."

 HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

THE FINAL SAY:

Rose Hanna, marriage therapist and professor of psychology, and women's, gender and sexuality studies at California State University, Long Beach: "If a woman wants to continue a relationship with an abuser, they must [first] separate -- no question about it," Hanna says. "He should not know her location or phone number and she must have a restraining order in place. He needs to attend therapy and once he's done that for, at the very least, two months, she should meet with the therapist to discuss her partner's improvement. At that point they can begin to see each other for very short dates, once a week in public, to see how he responds with brief amounts of conflict or anger that may arise."

Jillian Bullock, 51, of Upper Darby, Pa.: As the creator of Fighting Spirit Warriors, a fitness-for-self-defense program for girls and women, Bullock teaches her students how to reduce their chances of becoming a victim of rape, sexual assault or domestic violence.

"Even if the abuser gets counseling, I always tell women never to accept an abuser back into their life. The emotional pain a woman deals with often takes years to overcome and work through. She needs to have the time to get counseling and work through her own issues so she can heal, and more importantly, so she doesn't end up in another abusive relationship."

___

If this doesn't help, then maybe it's a dealbreaker.

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Salute! President Obama Will Sign Violence Against Women Act

Bill's renewal extends rights to others

President Obama will sign the renewed Violence Against Women Act into law Thursday. Having been passed by both the Democratic Senate and the Republican House, the Act offers assistance to victims of domestic and sexual violence. Its renewal extends the protections to gay, bisexual or transgender victims, and allows American Indian women who are assaulted on reservations by non-Indians to take their case to tribal courts. It authorizes $659 million a year over five years to fund programs that provide grants for transitional housing, legal assistance, law enforcement training and hotlines. Obama hopes for similar days ahead with an agenda that includes immigration, gun control, and a new debt reduction that includes higher taxes on the wealthy as well as budget cuts. (USA Today)

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Violence Against Women Act Renewed by Senate, Heads to House

Obama calls for House to follow suit

The Violence Against Women Act was renewed by Senate on Tuesday with a 78-22 vote. All "no" votes came from Republicans, while all female senators (regardless of their political party) supported the legislation. Reauthorizing the act extends services, such as funding for investigation and prosecution of violent crimes against women, through 2018. It also gives various protections and assistance to women facing domestic abuse. The act is now heading to the House, but last year when the Senate voted to extend the Act's protections to same-sex partners, undocumented immigrants and Native American women, it was met with resistance from the House. In a statement praising the effort for its bipartisanship, President Obama said, "It's now time for the House to follow suit and send this bill to my desk so that I can sign it into law." (LA Times)

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Primary Docs Urged to Start Screening Female Patients for Domestic Abuse

Task force wants them to begin protecting "all populations"

A panel of medical experts that advise the federal government have recommended that primary care doctors begin screening women for domestic violence during their visits. The task force said that screening for intimate partner violence showed a "moderate net benefit" and that the risks associated with disclosing the abuse were small. Intimate partner violence includes physical violence, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, stalking and reproductive coercion (intimidation that increases the risk of unplanned pregnancy). If abuse is confirmed, physicians should refer them to intervention services, including counseling, home visits, and mentor programs. The guidelines apply to women aged 14 to 46. "The bottom line is that more research is needed on how primary-care clinicians can effectively screen and protect all populations, including older and vulnerable adults, middle-aged women, men and children from abuse and violence," said Dr. David Grossman. (LA Times)

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Evelyn and Chad Reunite, Hold Hands in Public

The two were seen taking pictures with fans at one of Chad's semi-regular dinners.

A week after Evelyn Lozada lifted the no-contact order against Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson, they are seen out and about hand-in-hand.  The couple was married in July but soon after, Lozada filed for divorce following a domestic dispute. They were recently spotted at a Miami restaurant where the former football player held one of his semi-regular dinners for the first 100 of his Twitter followers to show up. 

According to Gossip We Love, Lozada has already welcomed Johnson back into their home in Miami and spent $8,000 on a Christmas gift for him. Following the domestic violence charges brought against him, Johnson lost his job as a wide receiver for the Miami Dolphins as well as endorsement deals.

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Must a Victim Be Famous For You To Care?

When celebs abuse women, public outrage is for those who beat the equally well-known

When Mike Tyson was initially accused and later charged with raping Desiree Washington, a Miss Black America contestant, in 1991, Tyson's lawyers attempted to defend him using an argument that many of Tyson fans were already making: Tyson himself was the victim and the unknown Washington was out to "get him." Tyson served three years in prison behind the incident and pretty much picked up his boxing career where he left off when he was released. Today, he's considered an endearing character, and has even headlined his own Vegas and Broadway shows depicting his life story. At the time of the controversy, Washington did some interviews. But since? Nobody has cared to mention Washington's name in 21 years.

The story of Ike Turner is somewhat similar to that of Chris Brown's. Up until 1986 when his ex-wife, Tina Turner, published her autobiography "I, Tina," Ike himself was an afterthought from his 1960s-1970s heydey. But when readers found that he was abusive towards the Rock n' Roll icon during their time, his already depleting career took even more of a nose dive as his name became synonymous with "wife beater," pretty much erasing the contributions he made to popular music. The 1993 film adaptation of the book, "What's Love Got To Do With It?", was the nail in the coffin.

[Also Read: Does Media Get Domestic Abuse Wrong?]

For as much fun as people used to make of him, R. Kelly hasn't missed a "step" since his notorious sextape with an underage girl leaked. On top of being found not guilty of 14 counts of child pornography, In the 10 years since the tape, Kells has sold 8 million records worldwide. We still don't know the young girl's name.

And again, odds are nobody cares.

In America, it seems that if the victim isn't famous enough, then compassion for her isn't a priority. Sure, media outlets jumped on the Jovan Belcher murder-suicide when it was the hot topic; many of them even taking the opportunity to make a case for gun control and mental illness awareness.

But can you remember how many headlines had his murdered girlfriend Kasandra Perkins' name in it next to his?

You've probably lost count of how many articles, tweets, Facebook comments and YouTube replies left her name out too.

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Woman Accused of Killing Husband, Then Making Him Dinner

Elderly NJ woman suffered dementia, years of domestic violence, her children say

A New Jersey woman is accused of shooting and killing her husband of 54 years after her children say she suffered years of abuse at his hands.

Fredericka Rosa, 77, of Pemberton Township, has been charged with first-degree murder in the July 21 death of her husband, 79-year-old Valpa Rosa Sr., Burlington County, N.J., prosecutors say. She was free on $150,000 bail awaiting arraignment.

[ALSO READ: Rihanna, Chris Brown Shine Light on Domestic Violence]

Rosa explained what happened to her adult children, who waited two days to call police. During those two days, according to media reports, Rosa continued to cook meals for her husband, even checking on him when he would not show for dinner, family members said.  

Rosa's children are on her side. They say their mother suffers from dementia and snapped after suffering years of abuse by her husband.

“He drove her insane,” daughter Rosetta Rosa told Philadelphia's NBC 10 TV station. “He drove her to the point where she picked up the gun and shot him.”

“I understand why my mama did it,” son Valpa Rosa Jr. said.

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